Designer Muse and Music Maker

Last night i had a accident, I was running in my boxing class and missed my mark, all of the sudden my ankle was out I was in shock, on the floor, head spinning, stars, feeling faint and in so much pain, my lover came rushing over as the whole class stopped, I was trying to be in the present but the pain had me completely just trying not to pass out, he carried me out, I tried standing up, triggering a blackout, which was only half stopped, as i laid on the ground outside of

the gym, trying to stay in my body he kept saying keep breathing, all i heard was a hum and buzz in my head and saw stars and felt that slipping happening…once home he ordered me to bed, I have a VERY hard time not working, running, being taken care of, very very very hard, but looking at my swollen ankle and feeling the pain I had no choice, that and he wouldn’t give me one. I have a hard time asking for things, accepting things, I feel like I have to do everything alone on my own, somewhere deep down inside, its why when I had my accident I wasn’t able to ask for help, cause somewhere I don’t feel I can or think If I am not the perfect, all together super human amazing lover perfect hot girl who can sing dance and do everything…. I am not loveable…I know it all goes back to childhood, and never feeling love or accepted at home because I was everything they didn’t plan on, I was bisexual, I was a artist, I was a free spirit, I found my spirituality in nature and sexuality not in church, I to this day am unable to bridge the gap, and have never really recovered from feeling that unless I am a christian whos straight and not half of what I am then I am not welcome I am not wanted and I am not even cared about, I am sure logically they care, but they never call or write or if so its once in a blue moon when someone almost dies, the conversations feel heartless and its almost worse then not hearing from them at all… but I get it logically I am sure what I am and what I stand for isn’t comfortable to them, its evil or of the devil and well… I cant argue with those perspectives… there is no debate when it comes to belief I just get sad when there is no bridge over it, and so being in a place where I have to accept being “broken” brings up all kinds of things, so I sit in bed with the cat feeling very loved and cared for, but it brings up things I am just now trying to figure out how to bring into balance, when there is no way to alter the energy into peaceful love, other then me being someone I never was and never will be…. and thats a hard pill and makes me want to push my head against the wall built by perspectives and hard chosen ideas which in reality and no actually proof over then the fact we believe in it, and then kill each other over something that doesnt even exsist….we know nothing, there is no way any man could define god and it makes me feel sad for all the people who are seperated from those they love over definitions created by dead men
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  1. oste8minutes said: "Why do we fall…" :) Feel better soon friend
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