New Track Enemy I did with Phutureprimitive for his new record
I am super excited to share I did two tracks with Phutureprimitive for his new Album, Enemy and he did an amazing mix of my song Passes Away which are both on his new Record you can Listen and get them here <3
New Song out today
Remixed by Phuturprimitive
new track coming out April 8th 2013 on Simplify with Phuturprimitive
Recently I have been discussing this subject and reading about it allot considering the situation with the girl who was drugged and raped at a party and how the media has twisted it.
Yesterday I wrote a song, I need to get back to a 100 percent before I can record when I swallow my ears still pop, the good news is I can breathe again for awhile there it was challenging. I have lots to do and part of me doesnt want to blog this morning , last night i had strange dreams about playing festivals, about getting passes about being backstage, about being on stage. I still have dreams sometimes about the worst things that could happen, although I read a study which said nightmares actually prepare you for things in reality they are actually useful its part of our training. Which strangely enough makes sense to me, for years I had dreams about being raped/kidnapped/etc when it happened despite the fact it was really not a fun thing I handled it the best way I knew how ( I am still here and am healthy ) then I had dreams about 911 and New york I am still alive and well I wouldn’t live in that city now but its only because I can’t step into it without seeing water, in all the tunnels which was this dream for years when I lived there, then when they flooded the dream all of the sudden didn’t seem like a nightmare. My nightmares have also been the things that alerted me to people cheating on me, negative energy, and other things I needed to see even though it wasn’t pleasant my dreams sometimes are able to dip into the future and even the present and see things I could never see . So even my nightmares I pay attention to them, I am not scared by them anymore they just sometimes unsettle me . But I will say my nightmares about being at festivals and my sound not working, actually helped for when its happened I already was there in a dream and despite the fact I didn’t like it I already had to handle it subconsciously making it easier….. I remember finding this study and it changing my entire perspective on nightmares all of the sudden they to became my teacher.
Maybe its all the nightmares that cause me to not react to things the same way, when things happen out of the ordinary from cuts to car crashes from broken wires to mics not working my mind goes into I have this handled mode rather then panic. The same brain that now scans my reality and is aware of what is there and if something comes out of left its prepared.
I am a artist there is no normal there is no stability there is no schedule, and thats my normal staying up to five getting up at 8 different beds different countries different stages gear that sometimes doesn’t work different realitys always melding and bending. I have chosen to live this life fully present and feeling all of it which means sometimes I feel things that hurt or are uncomfortable or make me sad…
A long time ago I decided that every time my heart broke it got bigger cause when I put it together it had to grow a little more every time. i decided heart break would give me a bigger heart not a smaller one, so when I feel it I have come to accept it.
I love people allot and sometimes that can be challenging, I care and sometimes its not mutual or its not on the same page or we grow apart and thats not always easy, just like when you make art with people you love but it just doesn’t work in that moment.
I was standing outside at a festival I had a sense of family there one I didn’t have most of my life, that in and of itself sometimes can bring up allot, sometimes i don’t know how to process what I am feeling other then feel it and I cried, it was raining and I felt a little lost or rather feeling like I belonged was love and had a place made me feel lost a little, but it passed through me, then I was back to playing and having a beautiful time.
The fear of feeling a particular way or of nightmare or of not being cool or accepted just disconnects us from ourselves and others but to overcome that takes a constant opening of ones heart and it can feel really raw and scary. My partner is very good with this he told me once if your afraid to say it or do it, push into it say it and do it anyways, if your afraid of bothering me say it or do it anyways. I started doing that more, its hard sometimes I realize my own limitations by doing that, but also realize I can push through them if I just let go of any fear I have about the result.
I can’t control the soundguy or the weather or another person, I can’t stop someone from leaving me, or someone from not liking me, or nightmares or things that happened, I can only be aware and work with what is in every moment.
I was dancing to my new song in the empty gym ( I love my gym ) and I loved it, until I looked over and saw someone starring at me, I instantly hid, I told my lover about it later, how when I am on stage I have no issue but off stage I like to hide, I don’t want the attention , I guess it comes from when I shine I get lots of it, and then I feel like it can take me away from my day to day life, He said you should work on getting on the other side, to dancing like no ones watching even though they are. But it takes work to not get sucked into there thoughts for me it does and the moment I am in there thoughts I am out of myself and my connection , well he said its a perfect thing to overcome.
I realized in costa rica I needed to get back into my dance I was a dancer first I loved to dance its one of the reasons I feel dj’ing works for me as a dancer its in me I feel it or not , but somewhere I got out of it, my car accident really knocked me out of my body, I realize now how deeply that pain of not being able to move without wanting to shoot up morphine is but it was then I had to stop all my dancing, my running, everything and as I got back into my body I would dance ( for modeling and sometimes it would send shooting pains through me ) I feel my body is back to a place I can start conditioning it again. But thats the other challenging part dancing like any skill is from repetition and practice if you take off a year my body changed my muscle mind connection isn’t’ as strong, but now i have time to focus on music/singing/songwriting and fashion so now I am determined to re fuse that connection so I can bring it into my shows, I love to dance but I have to feel I am one with it to do it on stage….again
anyways time to go
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