Jillian Ann -JillianAnn.com

Ohio Gang Rape and Chilling Memories

Recently I have been discussing this subject and reading about it allot considering the situation with the girl who was drugged and raped at a party and how the media has twisted it.

Reading about the girl it brought back chilling memories, of being 17 in a house where I was drugged and raped by two men along with another young girl, the next day I walked into a room and saw them raping her with cucumbers passed out and filming it all, I was terrified but had been told if I did or told anyone I would die. Needless to say working with and through that has been one of the most challenging situations for me to have worked with and continue to work with.

Because its not just the rape that affect those who are sexually traumatized its our spirit, our perspective of worth, or sexual balance, our feeling of safety, and when rape involves such violence getting past the fear isn’t a easy thing to do. But as someone who was there, at a party being raped and watching people be raped as some twisted form of entertainment and NO ONE coming to anyones rescue I have seen first hand what happens when sexuality has lost all sacredness

I know that girl has a long journey ahead of her, and I am glad she somehow got past the fear of death as many women are threatened for speaking of rape and or during a rape and trust me when you have been violently raped you know exactly what it feels like to know that edge between life and death. But it shocks me to see the media and some peoples response.

My rapist is still out there by the time I found my courage to say something legally I had no rights, by the time I didn’t care if he did send his cronies after me, I could do nothing, meanwhile he is involved with children’s charities and I was not the only victim I am aware of. A friend of mine who works in the government told me sadly many child molestors and rapist work with children and or get into lines of work to have a way to reach them.

I have a app on my iPhone called sexOffenders its all of 2 dollars but what it shows me is shocking, in my peaceful neighborhood, I can’t walk more then a few blocks between convicted rapist and child molesters there are so many it made me seriously rethink my night hikes. As someone who has been through more then one sexual assault in my life I’ve taken self defense I have learned how to feel my anger, I have learned I have a right to defend my life if needed, I am often armed not with much just enough that unless I am dealing with another trained creature I may have a fighting chance.

I struggle with feeling safe, in ways that people who have not dealt with a violent rape have a hard time understanding and I am always fighting my mind to believe I am safe I am protected the world is a beautiful place. In many ways it is, my friends are beautiful my land is beautiful my music my world some of the most loving beautiful people but I am very aware that living in fear is not living at our highest but being aware and prepared for danger is an entirely different perspective.

How do we stop this ? Why do people stand by and do not help others in need? why do we judge the raped? how do you actually help a rapist or child molester heal?

I started doing energy work as a child unaware of what it is now I am aware, as a artist it is useful with music, as a lover or friend I use it when I feel called, through my practice I have found often when men or womens hearts and roots are out its easy for sexuality to be misexpressed.

But in my neighborhood alone there are hundreds of men who need some serious healing, not to mention all those who were victims to rape and or sexual abuse , but our system doesn’t really address sexuality and or healing in any kind of way that I see changing this pattern.

The issue is deep its our culture, religion, education, parenting, its passed down it happens in families I know more then one who grew up raped or abused by their parents.

The split between our minds and who we are, between what we suppress and what we are accepting of , the desensitization of our spirits and hearts before we even know what being connected is. Creates a culture where children think drugging and raping another or burning someone naked at a party for being gay is entertaining is a culture that needs some serious medicine.

Music, art, fesitvals, healers artist writers creators give me hope for you are the ones they will follow, but my concern sometimes is the silence around the issues which affect us and hurt us the most.

Concern with being cool, or accepted, or selling is EXACTLY why those kids let the other kids rape and burn someone alive, is our lack of openness and action out of fear of not making as much money or being popular or being liked or being a star….

I see a world with allot of EVERYTHING IS FINE MOVE AHEAD glossed over open wounds which end up exploding in homicides, rapes, suicides, sexual abuse, drug addiction, depression, and tears people are afraid to cry much less share .

I am all about changing the world by focusing on what we CAN do and is POSITIVE but not to the degree I am ignoring the fact there are sexual abuse issues, suicides, drug addictions and violence in our own community, much less the city and world around me.

I do not feel real healing and or growth can happen until we can accept our shadow as well as those around us, with love and compassion. For there is no one out there who wants to be disconnected from love or the source not really not under any hard shell of protection one may have built usually because they hurt so much the only way not to feel was to turn off.

We have a chance, each of us interacts with others and they interact with others and eventually its the whole world. We may not think we are big enough strong enough good enough healed enough to be a lover/healer/warrior but we are. Stop waiting,… I used to think I couldn’t use my gifts as a healer or singer until I was perfect, or unless i was perfect but thats NEVER going to happen, so I realized its not about me and my perfection its about being present showing up and being willing to stand and fight for something.

We all have that chance, in our lives, in our loved ones in our communities if you see someone hurting or in trouble or being harmed or harming you have a chance to make a difference change a life save a life re write the story . Be it at a party or your work, asking questions stepping in intervening is our business if we are all one all connected and in this together then there is no room to stand in the corner and watch someone be harmed or harm…

I kinda small, but I have learned the sheer force of presence will often be enough to stop a situation. I have broken up fights, stopped suicides, and intervened on many many situations, when my hands heat up and I can’t turn away its a call to act. We all have that inside of us, and sure I may have gotten hit a few times and hurt but I am tough and have learned a little pain is better then seeing someone seriously harmed or dead.

If I had children I would be sexually educating them with the path of tantra, and martial arts, I would teach them of all the beauty and love and compassion, but also how to fight not only for themselves but for those they love.

Our sexual education needs to evolve, as well as how we deal with sexuality when it comes to abuse both for the one abused and the one abusing. Locking someone in prison does nothing to address the source of the action, just like if someone has been sexually abused just knowing someone is in jail isn’t enough there is some serious mind body and spirit work that needs to be done to restore one to awareness and connection with oneself and regaining balance in the world regarding sexuality.

Its a issue I am passionate about because of my own life as well as that of many I have loved and love. As a culture and a community I hope we think, seek, learn, find ways in our worlds and ways to help heal this in our worlds and the world around us.

Sex is the most beautiful force when channeled properly and one of the most destructive when not channeled correctly and yet that is not taught it is not spoken of openly and it is as the core of all of our lives and our culture.

As artist as healers and those seeking it is something not to forget or to hide but to bring into the light, for as we heal our sexuality we are more able to connect with ourselves and others from a empowered and whole place. But that healing needs to expand and reach beyond our little cocoons and into our world. To make it a yummier sexier safer place for all of us.